Heartless Bitch
Depression is a heartless bitch. Not the kind you see hanging onto your boyfriend's arm but one that is that is ruthless, merciless, unforgiving and permanent. One that can turn you into bitch. Make you feel empty and blank inside. Make you cry, deprive you of happiness and keep you from the ones who love and care for you. Ones who want to help but don't know how, not even you know how. It's not something you can simply "get over." It's harder to ignore your own voice telling yourself you're useless than some other voice. You tell yourself "it'll be okay" in the dark hoping one day you'll believe it. It is impossible to have this cold, dark abyss in you and be okay.
I use to think my life was a joke because even someone like God needs a good laugh sometimes, I still think that way now and again. Sad, isn't it? Living your life with this permanent empty longing and never truly knowing how to fill it. Knowing any little thing could set you off into a depression downfall. They say to always talk about your feelings and get them off your chest, but how do you explain to someone what you feel when you, yourself don't even know what you feel? It's just like a dark mass stuck to your soul and gets tighter with every passing day. They'll think you're lying just because you can't give them the answer they want to hear. In depression the answer will never be pretty. Just never say I'm not trying because I am. There is so much dark build up and I don't have the tools to break them down.
The solution to depression comes with 3 answers. Accepting that is part of you and just living with it. Getting medical help. The last answer is one no one should take but for some, like myself many times, feels as though it is the only answer to make everything stop. I wish it was like games, you die and get to restart and no one remembers your mistakes. You can hide in the shadows and be safe. That has become my home. The dark most fear is my light and comfort. The only place I don't feel scared to be me and make mistakes. I just hope that the shadows don't consume me one day.
I use to think my life was a joke because even someone like God needs a good laugh sometimes, I still think that way now and again. Sad, isn't it? Living your life with this permanent empty longing and never truly knowing how to fill it. Knowing any little thing could set you off into a depression downfall. They say to always talk about your feelings and get them off your chest, but how do you explain to someone what you feel when you, yourself don't even know what you feel? It's just like a dark mass stuck to your soul and gets tighter with every passing day. They'll think you're lying just because you can't give them the answer they want to hear. In depression the answer will never be pretty. Just never say I'm not trying because I am. There is so much dark build up and I don't have the tools to break them down.
The solution to depression comes with 3 answers. Accepting that is part of you and just living with it. Getting medical help. The last answer is one no one should take but for some, like myself many times, feels as though it is the only answer to make everything stop. I wish it was like games, you die and get to restart and no one remembers your mistakes. You can hide in the shadows and be safe. That has become my home. The dark most fear is my light and comfort. The only place I don't feel scared to be me and make mistakes. I just hope that the shadows don't consume me one day.
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